W is for waiting

We had our first 'counselling' session today with a social worker in the hospital. We both went in to the session with open minds and it was a helpful discussion; of course it's all about feelings: How did you feel when you got the diagnosis? How do you feel when family and friends ask you about it? How do you feel talking about it now? Do you feel powerless/angry/sad/mournful...etc? I think it was useful to be asked all these questions, even though it sometimes felt a bit repetitive - explaining things that we have discussed numerous times in the last few weeks, but it was good to do together and hear exactly how we each responded.

It is clear is that we both have the same outlook and way of dealing with the situation, namely a pragmatic one. Of course we have cried and have our moments of feeling sad or angry or hard done by, but we recognise that the need to function and get on with life is more important and productive so we just focus on each day as it comes. What also became clear is that today's appointment in the hospital in Amsterdam is pivotal, at least for us. Until now, we are on hold, making some plans, but not really knowing which plans can be fulfilled because my treatment hasn't been identified and scheduled yet.

I am now slightly apprehensive that I am pinning too much hope on the outcome of today and might be disappointed. If it's another 'general' appointment discussing my case etc. and we need to wait for a second appointment to get any concrete information, I will feel frustrated. On the other hand, if we get hard facts and details of my treatment and I don't like them, it might be scary or upsetting. Whatever happens, I just hope I do not have to wait too much longer to start doing whatever needs to be done. In essence, I could be wishing to start chemotherapy... and that might be a decision I seriously regret; the obvious, and less obvious side effects of chemo are not something I'm crossing off days on the calendar in excitement about. However, some form of treatment is inevitable and because of the cancerous nature of ... well, cancer, anything strong enough to treat it, isn't going to be particularly pleasurable for your body. If I'm honest, I guess I am now beginning to feel slightly scared of how treatment will change how I am feeling and what I am able to do.

At the moment, I am still doing a few lessons and a lot of normal stuff, apart from pain in my leg, sleep problems and being less fit than usual, I can still do most things - I am just doing them at a snail's pace! When I start treatment, there are so many unknowns, what will my life look like in the coming months? Will I be bedridden? Will I lose my hair? Will I lose weight? Depending on answers to those questions, how will I feel about my body and my situation? The counsellor referred to the process of dealing with cancer diagnosis as a grieving process; you are suffering a loss of 'normality' and physical ability, you lose control because dealing with the physical defect becomes a priority and so you lose the ability to choose how to live your life. As I type this now, I am really trying to force myself to comprehend this and be realistic about it but until it actually happens I don't think I can. It's hard to prepare yourself for this kind of situation.

One thing I do know from experience though, is that being awake at 4am means being a bit brain dead and dozy at 2pm, which means that I should get my arse back to bed now!