B is for bucket list

Someone I was with the other day suddenly asked me "So what are you going to do now, sell up and move to France?".... my first response was "Why on earth would I want to do that?!" I think my tone and facial expression conveyed a suitable level of disdain and she quickly explained she was referring to doing things you'd always wanted to do but had never got round to, or had the courage to do. She clearly doesn't know me that well because moving to France wouldn't appear on any list of mine.. except maybe a punishment list!

I'd never really thought about a bucket list before now. Of course, in terms of travelling, there are loads of places in the world we still want to go to but in terms of ambitions or actually achieving or trying other things, I didn't have a list at the ready.

I have to say, I haven't given it a huge amount of thought in the last few weeks, but it has come up a few times and I am starting to seriously consider making one. So, next question... what would be on it? I have been dipping in and out of other people's cancer blogs and bucket lists are a recurrent theme and there are also a few tips and suggestions of 'common bucket list items'. It seems a bit weird in my eyes, like when you have ordered something on Amazon and you get recommendations for books or films based on your purchases "This is recommended based on your purchase of....". Well, it can work for books and music etc. but I'm not so sure about bucket lists......"Barbara has lung cancer and she wants to move to Barbados and open a yoga studio"....I don't think so!

So after some in-depth investigation of these sites (skipping through in about 15 mins) I still have not come up with my own.... does that make me devoid of ambition or imagination? I don't think so. Ed and I discussed this a few weeks ago because of something the doctor said to us relating to the prognosis and the time I have left. Uh-oh, I am crossing into what might be described as depressing territory here, but unfortunately I have to force myself to address this reality now and again: I have a limited amount of time left. I'm not going to write down the length of time here, but it doesn't take a genius to work out that I'm probably not going to be around for another 10 years. Ok, so crossing back on to safer subjects, we discussed things that we would still like to do and we concluded that we have been living our dream! No, I'm not saying that we live in soft-focus lensed world where only beautiful things happen, skipping along with shiny hair and gleaming white smiles, or that we never argue, never want for anything, never get bored or irritable. However, when we discussed how we have lived our lives and things we have done, we can actually say that we are really happy and have a good life (well, apart from me just being diagnosed with cancer...).

Ed and I have been together for nearly 17 years now; we met doing one of the things we both love: travelling, and have continued to do that in various forms since then. We both wanted to live and work in different countries, which we have done; we both wanted to teach English, which we are doing (and love!); we wanted to give up our jobs and spend some time just travelling; which we have done; we like being freelancers and having a flexible lifestyle; we like going out for dinner and drinks, spending time with friends and family and enjoying life. In other words, we haven't saved up all our ambitions until we retire or until we have saved enough to do some of them.

In addition, I've had my professional challenges: getting my Masters, developing my teaching skills and adding variety to the teaching I do. Yes, I have thought about the type of teaching I do now and wondering if I will still be happy doing the same thing in another 10 years, but that is one thing I don't need to worry about now. Even if I am lucky enough to still be here when I'm over 50, this whole experience will have taught me what is important in life and if I am bored in my job or need more challenge, then I just need to do something about it. Anticipating what I will be worried about in 10 years' time is such a waste of time.

Knowing that I will probably start chemo this week and could potentially feel quite crappy means that we are doing mini-bucket items, so today we are planning to go to the beach. I don't think bucket lists necessarily have to be filled with huge, ambitious dreams: what about walking on the beach followed by a beverage of choice and eating something that I would normally feel extremely guilty about eating! Little things please little people!