L is for leaking

Spoiler alert: this is an emotional one so if you've just put make up on, if you are reading this at work or in public, or are just about to give an important presentation... or teach, I would advise against reading it. Sorry!

It's 4 a.m. and I'm here again. I woke up feeling uncomfortable and not able to find a bearable position in bed.. I had been listening to a Radio 4 story at bedtime... I even tried 'The Archers' #thankyouHelen!..(I did say in another post that I no longer feel embarrassed about having hairy legs, well, now the same goes for exhibiting senior behaviour - who cares if I listen to 'The Archers'? If it helps me sleep (that was the plan) then fantastic!) but that plan wasn't successful today... I'll try again tomorrow.

So again, I find myself downstairs with a glass of water, and water leaking uncontrollably from my eyes. I've just been standing barefoot in the garden for about 15 minutes and I stared up at the sky and prayed. I hadn't done that up to now. So why tonight and not before? Well, one of the reasons may be the pain... I seem to have aches and pains in more parts of my body than before and I wonder if the cancer is spreading faster than expected, and another reason is that my mum had a wobble and broke down in tears at the end of our phone conversation this evening. My family and friends have been amazing in support, both practical and emotional, and have been so strong and trying so hard not to cry or become emotional in front of me. I know that they have meltdowns when they are alone or with each other but they try so hard not to do it in front of me and apologise when they do. People keep saying how strong I am but everyone else is strong too and I couldn't be this resolute without all of you reading this blog, so thank you.

So, I've done a dad and wandered off; I was saying that maybe I'm awake because of the pain or because my mum got upset and the point I wanted to make was that I prayed because it's not fair for my parents to lose a child; for Edgar to lose his wife; for Caela to lose her sister; for Hattie and Archie to lose their aunt and for all my other friends and family to lose someone. I can cry for myself and I do, especially when I am in pain or over tired, but I cry more often for other people - they are the ones who are going to be left behind, grieve, feel sad, miss me, have a gap in their life. I realise as I write this that it has the potential to sound vain and pious but if it were Edgar, or Caela or one of my friends in this position, I would be terrified and an emotional wreck, so I am just imagining what you feel like and it's really shit.

Well, on the subject of being strong, I have just been browsing Pinterest looking for cancer quotes - why on earth would I do that when I'm already crying?! How ridiculous, but anyway, I did find some inspirational ones, though I am reluctant to place them on this site. I just have a knee-jerk reaction against all those 'Facebook-esque' sanctimonious one liners. However, some of them really are appropriate to how all of us are dealing with this, so I'm going to end this post (it sounds like a sermon or a presentation!) with one of those very quotes: (and as I do it, please appreciate that I have a look of distaste on my face!)

p.s. distaste is obviously a stronger emotion than upset or sadness because I'm not crying anymore; cheesy quotes do have a purpose!