W is for Will

So Friday morning began with an appointment with a solicitor to make our wills. In principal, that is not such a big deal... you know the list of things to do that everyone has on the fridge/in their head/on the laptop/on the notepad somewhere? Well, making a will had been on our list for at least 4 years.. especially since we bought our house.

Of course what made it more of a sad experience was the certainty that my will is going to be used sooner than Ed's. There is nothing too complicated about our wishes, but eventualities needed to be discussed and those eventualities are quite hard to confront. What happens when Ed meets someone new?... Of course at the point I am no longer around I don't want Ed to be on his own, but equally thinking about that now is really hard and actually makes me feel a bit sick.

We spent about 45 minutes discussing plans and figures and being confused by a lot of the solicitor's calculations; there are so many different options designed so that you pay as little inheritance tax as possible and the woman we saw was reeling them all off in quick succession! Eventually we settled on the most suitable and simplest for our situation.

Of course I know that I will die of lung cancer; that could be in a year or it might be in, for example, 8 years. The genuine truth is that no-one knows, especially at this particular point in time because I haven't had any treatment, so we have no idea how I will respond to the treatment, or more specifically, how the cancer will respond to it. I guess in 3 months' time, after my chemo, a bit more of a realistic prognosis can be talked about, but at the moment I am not really thinking about it. If I'm really honest, sometimes I find myself staring in the mirror and saying "I'll be alright"... I guess this is a form of denial... I mean, I know I am not going to live until I draw a pension, but my approach seems to be the same as I use when I am worried about 'normal things'... like taking an exam, going for a job interview, or just doing something which you get nervous or stressed about. Unfortunately, this is completely different, I have no control over it and the outcome does matter.

I also keep telling myself that a positive attitude must help and so focus on short term goals or things as they happen. However, if I stare in the mirror long enough (sometimes trying to scrape as much hair off my face as possible so I can see what I will look like bald!) I get teary and then talk to my cancer (really baring my soul here.. I may live to regret over-sharing!); I tell it to fuck off, that it won't beat me and I set myself milestones to meet; one is that I would like to reach my fiftieth birthday; another is that I see my niece and nephews go to university and start their adult lives. I guess the thing about positive thinking is just that it emphasises the power of the mind; and if you have something to live for, you have hope and that is a form of positivity in itself.

On another note, since we're in "W" I might as well talk about wigs! Yes, the chemo nurse we saw on Thursday said that the particular poison of choice I need to have does have the side-effect of hair loss. It doesn't necessarily mean my hair will fall it, but it is quite common. Weirdly, it doesn't happen immediately; I had to ask her how it would happen... does it instantaneously drop out as the fluid goes through the IV (I did know that wasn't the case or at least it doesn't in the films!) or does it come out gradually in your brush, or as you wash it. She said it won't start falling out until about 3 weeks after the first chemo and then it might just be thinning hair rather than clumps coming out. Well, whatever attractive version I end up with, I am thinking about what I want to do... do I want a wig? I guess I will just see how much it affects me but if I do have a wig, I am thinking of going for something completely different.. no more waves/curls, I could get something sleek! How weird not to have curls and a halo of frizz most of the time! Well, that is a minor issue, I'm not too bothered (I say that now, but as I stare at myself with thinning, or no hair, and potentially no eye-brows I might feel very differently) at least hair loss doesn't hurt or stop me from sleeping!