M is for morning after

So, I have survived my first round of chemo, the worst is to come I fear in terms of side effects but that's ok....I know it can be a shitty few days, but still hoping I will be lucky and have a relatively easy time of it. The main thing is we have actually started killing the fucker and hope that it hurts the cancer more than me!!! After the cocktail of two different chemo poisons, I was rinsed for about 20 hours. I was allowed to wander around in the department and so when my mum and Ed came to visit we could go and sit in the 'day chemo' area... comfy chairs, free chocolate, magazines and quite a nice view!

I managed to sleep a bit better, luckily I was in a ward with very quiet people...no heavy snorers or loud vomiters! I still can't believe how amazing all the staff are, I had stomach ache in the night and I got a small electric blanket, which really helped and the nurse came round to see how I was a couple of times, even without me calling her.

I had visits from the chemo nurse, a dietician, the orthopaedic doctor, my lung doctor. Some of them came to see me for a specific reason, but my lung doctor just popped in to say hello and see how I was doing. Also had another CT scan on my pelvis and left hip to see how they are doing because I have been having a bit of pain in my left leg recently. I've lost about 7 kilos since the summer and most of that weight seems to have dropped off my arse (unfortunately... why not flabby thighs!??) so now I have no bottom.. it's just flat!.. how weird and ugly, but anyway, what's worse is that it means that sitting is really painful and now I know why. The scan showed a tiny fracture in my tailbone, so I am going to get radiotherapy on that to help with the pain.

The radiotherapist I had this morning was English so we ended up having a good chat about Brexit and the Trump catastrophe. We both commented how nice it was to be able to switch to English and consequently ended up chatting for quite a while after my scan and her colleagues had to remind her about the other patients! Well, it was a really nice, welcome distraction for me. Then I started thinking about it and have come to the conclusion that one positive result of this whole situation is that my Dutch is improving.. I'm doing everything in Dutch and especially the last couple of days while mum has been here, I have been having to switch and translate more quickly, which has been hard.. trying to find the words in English is difficult sometimes when you have never needed those particular words before. Another gold star for the staff goes to the fact that several of them switch to English when they know my mum doesn't understand Dutch... how sweet is that? Of course, they don't need to and it might be difficult for them, but I was really touched and impressed by the gesture and the effort they put in. Yep, I am full of love for my Dutch healthcare professionals at the moment, I really am.

So I was allowed home around 14.00 and I was so relieved, they are great in hospital, but just being hooked up to the machine and having to wheel the IV trolley with you everywhere and not having any real privacy is a bit tiring after a while. I just wanted to go home. Mum was with me for a few hours this morning and then Ed came in and picked us both up. It has been lovely having mum here, sounds awful, but I am surprised how well it has gone. I guess the situation puts everything in perspective and small niggles or annoyances seem insignificant. Or, alternatively, I think I have the courage to confront things now that I wouldn't normally do, and so that clears the air. Well, anyway, whatever the cause, it has been better than I had anticipated . I can't wait for Caela to be here now.. only a few weeks to go.

When we got back home we went to a shop which sells and rents out healthcare equipment for people with disabilities,( e.g. crutches etc.) and I got a rubber ring... no joke! to help relieve pain when sitting down, and also got a sheepskin rug which is more supportive to lie on than just normal blankets. I tried them both when I got home and they really help. I can't believe it has come to this; it's one of those shops you don't even really notice as you go by because it doesn't figure on your radar... if you do notice it, you think about old people with their walking aids etc. And now I'm a customer!....well, there are so many things that are happening now, that a few months ago would have been unthinkable. I'm still not sure I have fully got my head around it all.

Well, I hope that I can manage to eat something; the dietician gave me lots of tips about how to build up, or at least keep my weight stable, and it's all really common sense stuff, but when you feel slightly nauseous forcing anything down is a job in itself. I had some cheese and crackers and a bit of yogurt but that was an effort and I don't want to push it and then have to throw up. I really hope this feeling doesn't last too long.