F is for freedom

First of all thanks to my three relay team support members yesterday, started off with Fiona (and her beautiful baby, Maeve) picking me up from hospital and keeping me company for a while (and making me some soup!), then Di picked up the baton and ran with it for the afternoon shift, and Paula took over and stayed with me to the finish line, when Ed came home around 10.30pm. Thank you ladies!

So I'm back home after 3 nights in hospital and it's so nice to be in my own environment, not have to wheel my IV everywhere with me or be forced to choose food from a list of things which would never ever appear on any plate of mine! My nausea is gradually subsiding and I can definitely feel my appetite coming back, thank goodness. Some of the offerings in the hospital were enough to induce a knee-jerk heave in the healthiest of individuals. I realise it's mass catering and has to appeal to a mass audience but really, does it have to be that bad? Maybe not being Dutch makes a difference; some of the traditional stuff on the menu is just wrong in my opinion, but there you go! Anyway, I now have my own kitchen at my disposal and can choose to eat what I want, when I want which is lovely.

Ed had done his best (with instructions!) to clean and odour-proof the house before I got back, so the bin was out in the garden and the fridge had been relieved of smelly cheese and things that had been lingering in there too long! However, no matter how good he is, he is still a man, so things like dead flowers in vases and another plant swimming in water which had begun to smell... had been overlooked, bless him. Actually having to do a few things wasn't a bad thing... I couldn't sit and look at the dead flowers or the overly brown bananas in the fruit bowl any longer, so I started doing some clearing and ended up dusting, cleaning the kitchen surfaces and hanging some washing out. It's so weird how different things are now; I was probably busy doing that for maybe 35 minutes and when I sat down I was shattered. Things that I normally took for granted and would have done in about 10 mins just on my way out to work or as I did something else, now form the main activity and goal for me.

So today has been a good day so far; at the moment I'm measuring my days in terms of things I have managed to do and how much I have forced myself to eat! Yep, my daily expectations have reverted to that of a baby or fast-forwarded to that of an elderly person! I have eaten quite a lot.. the odour sensitivity is definitely lessening and that makes it easier to be in the kitchen area, which is a bonus. When I got out of the shower earlier (yes, that is an achievement in itself actually, having a shower and washing my hair.... and no hair loss as yet!) I caught sight of myself naked and it wasn't a pretty sight. I know everyone thinks that, and it's not like I have ever felt really happy about my body, but today I felt slightly repulsed; not such a nice feeling. The dietician said that it's also a common pattern with chemo but since I'd already lost weight, I don't want to lose any more, especially when it mainly seems to be disappearing from my bum. Well anyway, I've been working on that today, just finished off half a Twix and am planning my next high calorie snack before dinner. I would never have predicted that I would ever consciously try to gain weight!

After 4 days in hospital I'd been craving fresh air, so I've just been out for a walk around the block and took the recycling. I'm obviously not walking as fast as normal but found myself having a mini race with an old lady with a rolling walker (rollator) I don't think she was aware of the race but I won! I mean just cause I have cancer doesn't mean I'm going to be overtaken by an 80-year-old with a walking aid! You see what my day has been reduced to?!

Feeling better by the hour now so tomorrow will be even better, and looking forward to catching up with (and being entertained by) Craig!