T is for time

It's a strange idea living without routine or having set plans....of course I have my hospital appointments, I know when to expect to have another week feeling shitty (2nd round of chemo on 2nd December) and dates that I have my sister or friends coming over to stay, but apart from that, my diary is open, gaping, empty, flexible, free, vacant, clear, unfilled, available. All of these words are weighted of course, and from one moment to the next the way I feel about the situation changes. Sometimes the freedom is liberating, no commitments, lack of obligation, autonomy, choice .....but at other times the vast open diary can seem intimidating, and a bit scary as well. How do I fill my days? Well, one flippant response to that question, is that I fill my days pretty easily because everything takes me bloody ages so by the time I have got up, showered, dressed, eaten, and moved anywhere or achieved one thing, half the day is gone and I need to have a rest before I consider my next (slow) move.

I was under the impression that after chemo, I would have a week feeling rubbish, followed by two weeks of euphoria. Well, I'm officially in my first 'euphoric' week and I have to say I feel less than exuberant. I mean, I don't feel like shit anymore, compared to this time 3 or 4 days ago, yes, I feel amazing,... but compared to 'normal', pre-cancer me, I feel a bit rubbish. I was in the city this afternoon, got the bus and walked around, went to the flower market and met a couple of friends for drinks. After about an hour and a half my voice was really fading and getting sore and I was feeling a physical exhaustion similar to the beginning of a bad cold. Is it going to be like this throughout chemo, or will I get used to it? It feels frustrating and pathetic that I can't even spend a couple of hours with friends before I get too tired.

Yesterday I watched some of the 'Children In Need' show on TV (a big fund-raising event in the UK); it was a traumatic experience as usual, though this year the cancer stories stood out and seemed even more shocking and sad than normal. There were heart-wrenching stories of children with cancer... parents who had lost two children to different types of cancer. How on earth do you process that? Having one child with cancer and watching them go through treatment, be in pain and then die... and then seeing it happen to another child. Well, there is no way to put that into words. I'm not bringing this up to induce tears (though of course I am now typing through a haze!) but I am bringing it up as a slap in the face. For fuck's sake; having cancer is shitty and ok, I can't do loads of stuff I used to do.. but I can still do loads and things really could be a lot worse.

So let's start again..I declare my diary open! I have the time and I am going to use it.

Oh, and on a final note... can you believe a wig costs about €800! I'm on a mission to youtube ideas for wearing headscarves ... got to be prepared for hair loss this week.