A is for awake

It's 3.15 a.m. and I'm wide awake... don't think I have really slept actually, finished a book when I got to bed around midnight, then watched some episodes of Modern Family on the ipad until about 1.40 a.m. and have been lying awake trying to go to sleep until around now. I don't really know why I'm awake this time - it's not the pain anymore.. it is uncomfortable to find a good position to lie in, my only option is really on my back because I can't lie on either leg now because that is painful.

My mind wouldn't switch off and I was thinking about too many things to go back to sleep: questions to ask the doctor; whether the chemo will have had any impact on the cancer at all; my voice; buying a wig; Christmas; Ed's birthday; money; food; dry skin; finding a local cancer support group (but a normal one, not some alternative therapy mindfulness and meditation focused one!); health insurance; hip replacements; oh and the fantastic beasts I saw at the cinema - amazing film!

My latest concern is my voice; it seems to be getting weaker and weaker which makes it difficult to meet up with friends, well, it's not difficult it just means that my voice gets really tired and old-lady sounding. When I got home this evening after going to the cinema and for drinks with friends, I found that my throat and chest felt sore and I hadn't even talked that much really because we were watching the film and, because there were 3 of us, it was less intense as I wasn't talking the whole time. As a result, I have to accept that I really need to take into account how many people I can arrange to see in one day because I really need to conserve my voice. I might end up writing notes instead of speaking! That is a real downer though, because that is one of the really nice things about not having work or set routines, I can fit in meeting up with friends and colleagues quite easily... but if I can't really talk much, it's all a bit one-sided and that is also a burden for the other person.

What was fab yesterday was that I had about an hour and a half Skype chat with my sister; she was working on her pieces for her shows and I was sitting where I normally sit, opposite her at the kitchen table, watching her work and chatting. It was so nice because it felt like I was really there.. the only thing missing is that we couldn't give each other a hug.. and I couldn't go rifling through the cupboards or fridge for exciting nibbles... (everyone else's food cupboard seems more exciting than your own). However, having said that, our cupboards have had a significant boost in naughtiness content lately with people buying me chocolates and biscuits etc. We've never had so much chocolate or sweet stuff in the house before! I really miss Caela, being in the kitchen with her just felt right and it brought home how long it's been... still, only 14 sleeps left to go now until she is here... hurray!

Well at least I don't have a busy schedule ahead of me today so I have time to nap and catch up on some sleep later... hopefully. If not, then let's hope that I my tiredness knocks me out so I can sleep tonight.

So now it's 5.15 a.m. and I've just woken up with my head resting on the laptop.. maybe I should go back to bed now!