L is for loss

Hair loss; sleep loss; loss of control; loss of energy; loss of purpose; weight loss; loss of voice; loss of routine; loss of appetite; loss of taste (in food not clothing I stress!); loss of inhibitions (to a very small degree I must add..it's more of a 'fuck it' attitude.. what I have got to lose?!) BUT not loss of hope!

I'm feeling a bit apprehensive at the moment and don't really know why. My latest mission is to search for headwear in preparation for my hair loss, but after speaking to a few people, reading lots of things online and searching various websites for wigs, hats, turbans and scarfs I'm still confused and not sure what to do. I was at the university hospital yesterday for radiotherapy on my tailbone and pelvis and while I was waiting I saw a woman with a really funky hat on, ok, it was obvious from the context that she was a cancer patient, but if I had seen her in the street I'm not sure I would have associated the hat with chemo or illness. Well, anyway, I asked her where she got it and got the website details from her, but she also mentioned that she had spent about €900 on a wig which she had only worn 3 times! So now I'm debating whether or not to bother with an expensive wig. Paula forwarded me a website with wigs on from around €100 so that might also be an option as a back-up. Obviously there is a quality difference between a wig of €100 and one of €800 and with the wig shop you get service etc. but still... do I want to spend that kind of money on something, I hope, I will not be wearing for that long? I mean I will have to get used to having short hair again, but hair does grow back after chemo so it's not like I will need to wear it for years. ( I love this girl's hair but not sure it would suit!)

As I was investigating, I found myself being sent from website to website (with a few detours and pit stops on Facebook, BBC, Hotmail, YouTube etc.) and reading blogs about cancer; lots of useful stuff but it also served to make me feel inadequate and that I'm not a 'good' cancer patient! I mean I haven't been constantly researching what I should be doing, eating, wearing, reading etc. and yesterday I found a few 'beginner's mistakes' etc. some of which I have made! Apparently I should have sorted out a replacement head of hair before I started chemo. Oh well!

I was also at a loss last night when I spoke to my dad; he got really upset and was crying on the phone which is so upsetting and horrid. He's extremely religious so was quoting passages from the bible he had read and how they were giving him hope that I would be cured. Giving sermons is not something new for my dad, so that was no real surprise and normally I get exasperated with it because I don't want to be preached at - his faith gives him support and strength which is great, but I don't really need to hear it. However, last night I let him talk and really listened (luckily it was a short one!) and he was getting more and more emotional. It's hard for my dad because he isn't really physically (or mentally) well enough to come and visit; well, I mean he could manage to get on a plane and get here, but he would be so reliant on us that he would be more of a burden than a help (his words not mine), which is very sweet that he acknowledges that. That makes it hard obviously because he can't see me.. and I forget sometimes how much that helps people (that sounds conceited but I guess you know what I mean!). I met up with some colleagues/friends at the university yesterday after my radiotherapy appointment and one of them said it was so good to see me physically and see that I don't really look any different. I guess when you just hear me on the phone, you only get one impression. What is negative about that for me at the moment is that my voice isn't normal and is, quite often, really weak so I'm sure I sound sickly and sad or depressed when I'm genuinely fine! I suggested that we Skype with video sometime when he is at Caela's so that he can actually 'see' me as well as hear me. Sorry Caela...!

Will my voice ever get back to 'normal'? I sound so pathetic a lot of the time, apart from sometimes being sore, it's just bloody irritating. If I am out in a cafe or shop and have to ask for something, the waiter or cashier has to lean in (often with a frown or impatient expression) and ask again. I've turned into a "low talker"; you can see my lips moving but nothing is coming out! Maybe I need to get some kind of in-built microphone!

Well one thing I definitely haven't lost is my need for lists! I have several on the go at the moment; list of things to do, list of things to get, list of questions to ask my doctor; list of people to send Christmas cards to (yes, have the time to get those on the go early this year!) so that is where I am going to start this morning... (not the Christmas one.. haven't got cards yet.. not quite that organised).