Well, for the first time in my life, I am pleased to say that I have gained weight over Christmas and am very happy about it too! I went to the hospital this morning for a blood test - my red blood cell count was quite low last week so they were debating whether or not to give me a transfusion before the next chemo, but the doctor called me this afternoon and all my levels are fine: both my red and white red blood cell counts are looking good! After I had blood taken I popped up to the cancer ward to use their scales... not sure about ours, and I'm now 60 kg so I have gained quite a few kilos in the last week and a half. Hurray!
It was so lovely being at home, seeing the kids, just being at Caela's again, also with Ed, was so nice. Saw a couple of really good friends, Chrissy and Karen and caught up with two of my cousins. We even went out to a pub one evening and saw some live music, played by an old friend from my East Warwickshire college days... what a blast from the past (in a good way!); the only negative being that although my voice is much better than it was, when I am in a noisy place, it isn't strong enough to have a conversation. So then I end up having to repeat myself or just (try to) listen to other people talking and nod and smile, even if I haven't understood or heard exactly what was said! The evening was fun, good music and great company, Ed was enjoying himself socialising and asking people questions with a beer or few. I would have liked to have stayed longer, but I really wanted to chat to Chrissy and my voice was sore, so we left early. That is another shitty side-effect of cancer; being tired, not drinking, and having a weak voice all mean that I don't have the stamina I used to have. Don't get me wrong, I was often the person leaving social occasions early, but it was out of choice and maybe because I had had enough booze (and feared the consequential hangover!) and just wanted to be back home, but it was my choice, rather than out of necessity.
The anticipation before Christmas has gone, but the excitement and build up to New Year's eve is still there. This year is, of course, a little different, my thoughts are not only on how we are going to celebrate on NYE: wardrobe options, snack/food choices, booze provisions, firework stocks etc. but also what comes next: my third chemo date is fast approaching and based on the experiences of the first two, I have to say I am quite nervous and not exactly looking forward to it. Well, I can't change it, the sooner I get this one out of the way, the sooner I only have one more killer session to go. I am waiting to see how it affects me and get dates for the final session before I get mum to book flights and I want to book a flight to go back home again sometime in February.
I am looking forward to New Year's Eve at Di and Bernd's: good company, a selection of beverages, a quiz, fireworks and a variety of snacks - what more could you want from an evening?! However, I have to admit that I am also a little nervous about it because I know it's going to be an emotional one. I don't want to say, and haven't said, it out loud but it is something that many of my friends and family must have considered... is this going to be my last one? Will I still be around this time next year? I don't want to be pessimistic and I am quite confident that I will be, based on how chemo is going and because I really bloody want to be so I am determined to keep going, but I should be realistic and consider the possibility that I won't be here and that is fucking hard to accept.
Bloody hell, now I'm leaking again. It has been an emotional week... saying goodbye was harder than ever yesterday. I know I will be seeing Caela again within the next 3 weeks but it's still a wrench to say goodbye. I am glad to be home though, I wasn't overly worried, but we were prepared for eventualities in terms of medical provisions in England. To cut a long story short, my doctors here basically said I should avoid going to hospital while I was at home unless absolutely necessary (I agreed!). Apart from the stories you hear about lengthy waiting times etc. it just means that if I had been in any foreign hospital, then I would have needed to be in quarantine when I came back to hospital here because of the MRSA risk. Well, I'm relieved to say that it wasn't necessary and hopefully I won't be in hospital again until chemo on 3rd January.
So there you have it, another overdue blog post.. sorry about the pessimistic new year's comments but if I can't say it here, where can I say it? I need to get these things out of my head. Don't get me wrong, I am not feeling negative or down, it's just that this time of year lends itself to planning and thinking about the future and my future has, unfortunately, been given a bit of bad news in the last few months. Well anyway, good riddance to 2016.. the last few months have been a bit shit, so I am expecting 2017 to offer a better picture... maybe not the first few weeks, but once the next two chemo sessions are over, things will start looking up.