L is for limbo

Each day I wake up expectantly, giving myself about 30 seconds to decide how I feel... do I feel sick? Have I got pain? Can I move?! Well, it is day 5 (post chemo) and I'm still doing ok so far. I don't want to speak too soon, I know that the white blood cell count drops to its lowest level between day 5 and 10 apparently so I am expecting to feel more tired than I do now.

At the moment, I feel a kind of 'normal' tired, as if I have had a few too many late nights combined with doing too much work etc. (yes, it used to happen!) but when the white blood cell count drops then the 'chemo tired' kicks in and that is debilitating, or can be. It sounds pathetic, but even getting out of bed or even sitting up in bed is a real effort and sometimes you just can't manage it alone. Well, anyway, I'm not there and hope I won't be this time. Still feeling quite strong, apart from the out of breath thing after having climbed a flight of stairs. I thought that was lack of condition, which is probably a contributing factor, but actually think it's the chemo working on the cancer in my lungs - take that you fucker!

I'm feeling the need for some fresh air; I have ventured out in the garden to feed the birds and it is nice, even though it's cold. Yesterday we didn't go out at all because we were advised not to unless absolutely necessary (icy conditions and some snow) and who would question that!? The snow has cleared today and even though it's not looking particularly inviting, I do want to at least get dressed today and see if I can manage a walk around the block or trip to the supermarket - little goals!

As a result of my previous two horrific chemo experiences, I cleared my diary (that sounds dramatic, I didn't have a packed schedule!) for the next week and a half and since I'm feeling relatively human so far, I am now thinking that I need some direction... and distraction. Today might be the day that I get my arse in gear to get some photos scanned and start making a bit of a concrete plan for my book - I have been jotting down lots of ideas but at the moment they are just unconnected phrases or possible titles and that's not going to make for an interesting read...well, it would be a very brief and disjointed one.

So while I'm in limbo, I will do something productive... but first I need to procrastinate just a little bit more!