H is for highs and lows

We had an appointment with our social worker, well she's more like a counsellor, at the hospital the other day. We had our first chat with her in October before starting chemo, so we started off giving her an update on how things have been going etc. and then discussed how we were feeling. I know that is the point of going to a counsellor, but obviously you have to be in the right mood to talk! She keeps asking us if we feel like we have control over what is happening in terms of treatment, how things are going with family and friends etc. Neither of us really want to know how to answer some of her questions: she asked Ed "Do you feel like you have room to deal with your emotions?"... I think we were both looking at each other trying to guess what the 'right' answer was. Like I said, I think you have to be in the right mood. Sometimes it just feels like you are going round in circles. Don't get me wrong though, I really appreciate the service, and I think that when you really need someone to talk to, it is really beneficial.

One of the things she mentioned was about now we have had time to process the initial diagnosis, deal with the treatment and the dust has settled, that we might start feeling low because we have time to focus on our emotions. I hadn't really thought about it before, but when I did, I started to feel a bit fed up. Is that a self-fulfilling prophecy: she tells me that I might feel depressed and I start to? Um, well, maybe the weather doesn't help, maybe the fact that I have been stuck in the house quite a lot of the time over the last week and a half, and that I miss normality, I miss work, I miss feeling physically fit ..etc. So now I am analysing how I feel about things.. and that's bloody annoying and exhausting in itself. If sticking your head in the sand means that I avoid the lows then that's fine by me! I know what's going on, but I don't need to focus on it every day do I?

So today was a good day because I went out for lunch (out of the house, yeh!) and the conversation was about loads of interesting things and the state of my health was barely mentioned and it was fantastic!

I have also started my book..... only about 600 words in, but at least I don't need to look at a blank page anymore.... I have been lying awake at night scouring memories for relevant details and anecdotes to use... it's all quite exciting at the moment because I feel like I have a lot of content but let's see how it goes in the next few days. I read a few tips about writing books and how to get started and I have broken one of the golden rules already: "Write at least 300 words a day"....ooops I wasn't in the mood yesterday so didn't write anything... but I did do double my quota the day before.. does that count?!

Can't decide if I feel nauseous or hungry.. there is a fine line. Trying to force myself to eat even if I don't feel like it. It's so weird though, I had lunch out and ate that no problem and now I feel I could go either way. What a dilemma!