P is for Puffy

Yesterday I woke up around 9 a.m. (which is quite late for me) feeling really groggy and before I even dared look in the mirror (always a risky move first thing in the morning) I knew my eyes were going to look like pinholes in the snow. When I did venture to the bathroom and take a look I wasn't wrong, it was a Gallagher brother (my hair has been doing a 1990's band mullet style in the mornings lately) staring back at me with really puffy eyes. Not a pretty sight. The last time I can remember my eyes being that puffy was when I had spent a night sleeping in a hammock in the jungle in Bolivia, in a mosquito net which obviously had a hole in it. I counted 48 bites on my body that morning and two of them were on my eyelids! I looked like I had been beaten up. Another, completely different experience with a similar outcome, was when I was a student and slept on someone's floor. It was in the summer so already quite warm but the heating was on full blast and I had made the mistake of sleeping with my head almost under the radiator.. I woke up sweating and with a bloated, red face. Another look I wouldn't recommend.

I have now realised that it might have been due to the painkiller that I had taken the night before. I went to see my new doctor on Thursday morning to get some stronger painkillers because I have been having lower back pain again. I think it is probably linked to the pain in my hip, and it has been getting gradually worse over the last few weeks. I called the hospital before I went to England and made the appointment, kind of hoping it would have subsided by the time I got back but unfortunately it hasn't. It isn't that bad in the day time, it is uncomfortable when I walk, but I can handle it. At night, though, it is harder to ignore and I really need the painkillers, even then, it doesn't always go away completely. Femke prescribed some stronger painkillers for nerve pain because it starts in my lower back on the right side and spreads down my right leg... hard to describe the pain, but sometimes it's like cramp and other times it's like a throbbing pain and when I lie down, sometimes I can't lie on my back or my right leg. The painkillers I have area also anti-depressants, which I cannot just stop taking because that will have side-effects... that's all I need! They are supposed to make you feel sleepy as well, which they obviously did, but I really didn't like how I felt yesterday. I was groggy and puffy all day...fell asleep watching 'Masterchef' and had to rewind it about 3 times because I kept missing bits..and that was around 6 p.m!

The puffiness, apparently, is not confined to my eyes. I went to the garden centre with my sister-in-law yesterday, stocking up on grow bags and compost and some veggie plants. When we were sitting in the garden enjoying the warmth and the sun, at least I was, Ingrid was obviously contemplating my puffy face and pigmentation because she then commented on both of them (not in those exact words!). She said I'd obviously gained quite a bit of weight and that you could see it in my cheeks. I know I have been banging on about wanting to gain weight but a life-time of not wanting to be a bloater is hard to escape, so if someone tells you you have put weight on, it's hard not to be offended, especially when they say, effectively, 'your face looks fatter'! Another gem she felt compelled to share with me was about the pigment spots on my left cheek... I am very aware of them, it's a long-term effect of the chemo and one which I try, unsuccessfully clearly, to cover up with foundation, but again, my ever observant sister-in-law pointed out that I have the same problem as she has on her jaw line. I know she doesn't mean it in a bitchy way, but really if you have the same problem, surely you know how paranoid it makes you, therefore why would you mention it, unless I bring it up?! I just don't get it. Suffice to say that I wasn't feeling on top of the world yesterday!

I didn't take the extra painkiller last night and I have woken up at my normal time of around 7 a.m. today and although I don't look super fresh and my hair would still rival a footballer's from the 1990's, I look and feel a lot better than yesterday.

I had a fantastic week in England, it was busy but not manic, though I still needed a couple of days to catch up when I got home. I saw friends and family, spent lots of time with caela and family and had a really fun evening with our cousins, that was a good laugh; lots of general catching up and some reminiscing about our childhood and making plenty of observations about our mums! I think Grant missed Edgar's moral support even more than normal this time because Caela and I had quite a few giddy moments, making tedious comments, quoting French and Saunders, laughing at something the kids had said or done or just generally messing around. I also cried quite a few times.. with laughter and that can never be a bad thing!

I've got some translation work to do which is good and will keep me busy over the next few days. The deadline isn't until 15th April, but I want to get it done asap because we go away on 11th. I am also starting to investigate alternative treatments. To be honest, I don't know what to believe, the doctors are obviously not going to advocate going to a private clinic which offers treatments that they do not. However, if you read testimonials of former patients whose cancer has been either cured or kept under control for many years, then it's hard not to even consider it as an option. There is of course the question of cost, because they are all extremely expensive, but I am sure I could raise some cash via crowdfunding if it came to that. Well, I'm certainly not rushing into anything but it's not something I am ruling out either.

Right, time to have a shower, tame the mullet and get on with the day!