Well this isn't the news I wanted to be writing but I can't change it. I'm back in hospital, this time for check-up because I had felt awful the previous few days. I know the side effects of radiotherapy are tiredness and headaches and flu-like symptoms but throw into the mix the fact that I had found another couple of lumps, meant I felt really anxious.
We called Femke and she told me to come in to A&E. We arrived about 11.30 and were seen by a doctor, had blood taken and an x-ray done before 13.00. What a difference to Tenerife! My HB level was too low again so I was kept in to have 2 bags of blood which has made a difference. I do feel much better this morning, and have a bit more of an appetite so I can be released around lunchtime - in time to enjoy some of the King's Day festivities!! ..mm, not actually too bothered, have seen my share of people selling second-hand tat outside their houses! For those of you not familiar with it, think a huge car-boot sale taking place outside people's houses and with everything orange coloured selling for double the normal price!! It is good fun actually, especially when the weather is good....which it isn't today, with everyone out, dressed in orange, drinking, singing, selling, sailing on the canals etc. After 16 years here, I’ve seen my fair share of them and I'm not particularly in the mood to go wandering around in the cold. Booze is an integral part of the day as well, so if I'm not drinking, then it's also loses interest value for me! (Sad, but true!)
Well, the lumps I have found are on my neck and my groin, in other words, the lymph glands. Two I discovered a few weeks ago are quite small, you have to press down to feel them, but one of the new ones on my neck is quite big and is visible. Crap. The doctors didn't think doing a new scan was useful because it's quite clear that they are new tumours, we knew the cancer was 'active' and this is the result.
Ed went to Rotterdam yesterday to collect my medication, because it turned out that we can only get it from that pharmacy after all. It's because it is such an expensive medication that only hospitals that prescribe it, can get it covered by health insurance. So now all our hopes are pinned on this new tablet working; I start taking it tomorrow so keep fingers crossed for me!
I felt really desperate and sad last night; why is this happening to me? Why is it growing so fast? Should I be doing something else to help myself? How much longer do I have? I know these are hard questions for me to ask, and also for others to hear but unfortunately I need to face facts.
On a lighter note, the blood transfusion has worked to help with the tiredness and also feel bit more interested in food again; I say a bit more interested because I am in hospital so the offering doesn't always help to stimulate my appetite!! I've been in a ward with two old geezers - not in my usual ward, but the one next door for lung diseases, so kind of suitable for me, but I still prefer the staff on ward 5B, the cancer ward. The two guys are ok, pretty quiet apart from the guy next to me having really chesty cough and the one opposite farting quite loudly at random intervals!
So anyway, Pansy is back in the room (plug in people: positivity!) Things to look forward to over the next week, in chronological order:
Bernd coming to pick me up from hospital in about an hour
Being back home with Ed
Seeing Di and Es this afternoon
Having a manicure tomorrow morning (courtesy of Di & Es, thank you ladies)
Helen arriving from Manchester for the weekend!! Can't wait!
Catching up with Simone on Tuesday
Caela arriving on Wednesday