V is for Vicarious

Karen is sending me updates and photos of her adventure in Nepal and I'm happy, proud, interested, a little bit concerned (in an oddly motherly way!) and very jealous. I won't be able to do that kind of travelling any more... or maybe I could but it wouldn't be wise and would probably be so stressful that it would defeat the whole object of going. It would be like going to a chocolate factory and seeing how everything is made, watching other people taste the products and not be able to have anything yourself. So, anyway, the next best thing is to live it through friends' experiences and Karen is probably one of my most adventurous friends (go girl!) so I'm living it through her. Have to say that there are certain things I don't miss about the kind of backpacking style travelling.... scummy hostels, not showering for a few days either because you are on a trek, it's too cold to take your clothes off, or the shower facilities are so unattractive that a whip round with a flannel is preferable! This way, I can pick out the nice bits, the highlights - see the places without dubious accommodation, painful bus journeys and experiencing the blisters and aching legs!

Now I'm just bored of having cancer. I started my new medication on Friday and, thank goodness, so far it has been ok. Side-effects have been minimal and manageable and although I have still been a bit tired, I'm feeling alright. My appetite is slowly returning, it does have its ups and downs and it's hard to plan too far in advance because my fickle taste buds don't know what they want, which is frankly quite annoying. I annoy myself. Ed will ask what I want for dinner and my standard reply is "I don't know yet".... well that's not very helpful is it?! It's like when you are trying to choose somewhere to go or something to do and people keep saying "I don't mind, I'm easy"... but then when you come up with suggestions they just say "No, I don't want that". Ed usually tries two or three suggested menu options and then gives up, bless him. I don't blame him.. I would have given up asking! I am trying though, now that the nausea is subsiding, I can eat a bit more and deal with food smells and cooking.. I even made sugar free banana bread last night; with less success than I had hoped if I'm honest. I do like baking and I'm not bad at it, but in my often slapdash manner, I used a slightly bigger tin than it said on the recipe so my bread is less like a risen loaf and more like a brick - in shape not weight I have to say! It tastes ok, nothing special but I was just trying to use up my over-ripe bananas as I didn't want to throw them away. Well my in-laws are coming over this morning so I can offer it to them! (it does taste quite nice really, I'm not that much of a cow that I would feed them nasty cake!) So, as I started saying, now I am feeling physically relatively good, having cancer is quite boring. It's just annoying and limiting. I was out in the garden weeding yesterday, this was after having decided to clean out my fridge and defrost the freezer (as you do when a student cancels last minute and you are at a loose end!) and Ed called out that I shouldn't overdo it. I know what he means, and he's right, but in my head I was just thinking, oh FFS, I'm hardly running a marathon am I? What I do one day can have an effect on how I will feel the following day, so it is sensible to take it easy, not do too much etc. but I'm sick of being sensible and not being able to do things.

I am considering going to the gym again now though, and just doing some gentle exercise on the bike and doing a few upper body exercises. It is good for me and it relieves the boredom and routine of being in the house. I do have stuff to do and lots of visitors and can easily keep myself occupied but I miss the physical activity and feeling strength in my body. Hopefully it will gradually improve as long as the side-effects remain manageable and I can keep my weight stable. I'm also trying to drink at least 3 litres of water a day... harder than it sounds! The medication (well any drugs) are bad for your kidneys so they advise to drink as much as possible to help flush the toxins out. I have been coming close, drinking between 2.5 and 3 litres each day so far and hopefully that will also help with my energy levels and even skin condition.. you never know. I guess if I am going to get acne from the drugs it will happen but drinking water must help to some degree.

It's Day 5 of the Afatinib medication, I hope it's working, I think it's working. I think I have been coughing less in the last couple of days than last week and the pains I have now and again in my left lung are fewer. Well, only time will tell. I have an appointment at the end of May for a blood test and then a CT scan a couple of weeks after that so we'll know for sure. I have to admit to being relieved that I don't need to have any blood taken for nearly a month.. yippee! No needles, no over-confident nurses with a can-do attitude coming near my arms!

Only one more sleep until Caela is here.. whoop whoop! I can't explain the relief and joy I feel when I know she's coming; we don't have to do anything or plan anything (although that is nice) just hanging around the house together is enough..... teasing Ed a little bit, having lots of laughs, and probably some tears, but we always do that anyway the wusses that we are. Having Helen here this weekend was a good lead-up to having Caela here. Helen and I lived together for so many years and have known each other so long we have a special bond (sorry if that sounds sickly Hel!) it is just so easy to be with each other; Ed was rolling his eyes and looking baffled in the background at various points over the weekend while we were laughing so much that we cried!

Right, it's been an hour since I have taken my medication so I can have something to eat....brick-shaped banana bread or cereal?.......