B is for Breaking records

It's not the most bizarre one, nor will it be an official one but I have just broken my own record for the shortest night's sleep. I went to bed at about 1.30a.m, spent about 10 minutes revising the pages in my book (can't really call it reading because that would suggest that I now have some kind of indication of what has happened) and then tried to find a comfortable position to sleep in. You know when you see a dog about to sit down in its basket and he does the turning around a few times, clockwise, then anti-clockwise before actually sitting down... well, my approach to becoming horizontal is similar. You could also liken it to the way an athlete prepares to tackle their particular speciality; serious assessment of the surroundings, testing external factors, wind speed, temperature, level of distraction from spectators etc. Once this has been assessed, move on to a few elaborate stretches that I’m pretty sure could have been done without an audience, then finally actually approach the bench/sandpit/sofa, or in my case, bed! After all that, it was about 1.54 a.m. and I decided to get up. The days of flopping into bed and not even managing to get as far as picking up my book are, long gone. Tonight is especially bad and not sure why really.

I’ve been in touch with the hospital in Utrecht twice in the last week about the pain; first was last Friday, I called up to see when I had appointments for the biopsy and bone scans. The assistant made the fatal error of asking how I was, so my reaction, of course, was to start sobbing, but for some reason I adopted the 'silent crying technique' so tears were streaming down my face, but there were no sound effects (heavy breathing, snorting and sniffling) Of course it doesn't matter how you cry, there is no tear-etiquette (as far as I am aware). However, when you are on the phone and someone is asking if you are alright, you do want to let them know you have heard them and no, you are not ok, then the low-noise variant obviously doesn't come top in the list of most effective crying styles. So after what felt like minutes of apparent 'silence' from me (despite nodding madly!) I actually managed to get out what I wanted to say, which was that I wanted to check my appointments and say that I had a lot of pain... I think she got that message!

It got to Sunday morning and I couldn’t take it any longer, Ed called again and explained my latest dosage and to find out what the options were. There were two: first of all, go in to hospital where they would keep me and monitor the pain levels, or increase my patches and tablets again to the next level. I didn’t want to go into hospital for several reasons; the first being, I don’t want to be in hospital again, secondly my mum was arriving this afternoon after a last minute change to her visit dates (she was supposed to be here at the end of this month) but partly because of her persistent offer/requests to come over immediately. I know it is meant well and I know it is genuine, but I feel like a bitch always saying “no mum, don’t come over” especially with her partner in the background telling her to just go! (it’s incredible that he is a low-talker in the car when you actually try to have a conversation with him, he seems to whisper, yet when you are trying NOT to have a conversation with him, he’s loud and clear! Yes, that’s a sensible idea, just spend £200 on a flight when I don’t want her here! I can’t remember what the other reason was, but I chose for option two: change dosage again. So yesterday I slapped on another two plasters and doubled up medication. It’s been a closely monitored race, by mum and Ed today, and the jury is still out as to whether it has made a difference, although the fact that I’m not in bed at all is probably an indicator.

So I think it’s time to call the hospital again and see if I can go in and get checked out. I don’t want to be on this much pain medication really and I hope it eases off again once I have had the alternative to radiotherapy treatment. I just want to start taking whatever treatment it is, as soon as possible because at the moment, I am going in the wrong direction. I know that my sense of direction has always been sorely lacking but this route is quite simple, one way is moving into traffic and the other one doesn't lead anywhere.

On a more upbeat note, despite the pain, it has been a really great long weekend! Still summery weather, and lots of catching up with friends, went to a bbq on Friday and had friends over for dinner on Saturday and Sunday and mum arrived this afternoon for a few days. Despite all my moaning and groaning about her, which is often justified, it is comforting to have her here, especially when I am feeling a bit weepy. It also takes the pressure of Ed a little as well, which is good for him.

This has taken me about 2 hours to write, because I have been nodding off in between and spending ages staring into space... funnily enough, I should be sleeping. Going to try and go back to bed now.