G is for Groundhog Day

Friday 16th June

Just waiting to have a heart film (ECG) done (I have definitely got one because I have been crying like an 8 year old who has been told they can't wear their best party jacket to school, all morning) I have seen about 5 different nurses and doctors so far, pain doctors, heart doctors, lung doctors and ward nurses. Fortunately for them, I managed to cry in front all of them, which I imagine is awkward because they can't give you the platitudes that friends and family can, because they have insider info.

Being so tired has lots of downsides - one of which is that you drop your phone in the bath! Now my phone does seem to be working on the slow side...not all the time just intermittently, as a sort of protest or reminder that it doesn't appreciate, literally, being thrown in at the deep end (of a bath!) without having any swimming lessons!

Another side-effect of the medication are my ' mini hallucinatory' moments! Sitting in the waiting room for the heart film, I felt like the weirdo that you often see in waiting areas - odd twitches, sometimes an exclamation as if they are talking to someone.

Well I was that weirdo, and I was talking to someone- my nurse. She hadn't wheeled me down there, but she had popped in when I needed her - I was in a bit of pain and I kept having the sensation that I was jumping (like you have when you are just going into a deep sleep) The nurse, didn't say anything, but gave my arm a soft reassuring squeeze.

Other 'mad' moments are when I talk to people who aren't even there - I know they aren't there, but I still see them, and talk to them, it would be rude not to, wouldn't it?! I saw my nanny in our living room on Thursday morning - I saw her stationary, holding onto the door, facing it, so I asked her if she was ok and if she needed help and she replied 'No dear, I can manage, you get on with your work'. Bless poor nanny, she died nearly 2 years ago now, and it was really lovely to see her, and made me feel less mad, and less sad. I certainly do not see ghosts or anything like that ( well apart from my nanny!! but that's different, somehow).

Saturday 17th June

My 2nd day out!...it’s like being on a mini-excursion, except that I don't have a Brown Owl (old-fashioned title of excursion leader at Brownies apparently now, you could have a Robin, Tawny, Puffin, Snowy or a variation on the bird/odd theme!!) leading the way with a map that she only has a vague idea how to use and is sincerely hoping she doesn't need to.

As long as I am back in my enclosure by 21.00 they are ok. Gates close officially at 22.00 so if you are later than that...not sure what happens actually?! Mmm, not sure I want to dare to find out.

So, armed with my drug packet, I left the building. Ed picked me up and we went home, had just enough time to tidy up before the cleaners came!.... I didn't clean, I just cleared surfaces so that it was easier for them to clean. Anyway, they came, a really cute couple, very young, and they seemed shy but knew exactly what they were doing; almost before I had closed the door and introduced myself, they had produced pairs of house flip flops, and were standing to attention waiting for their orders! I still feel a bit uncomfortable paying someone to do my cleaning for me. Ed had exhumed all the cleaning products and equipment from the cupboard and had displayed them in the kitchen. I briefly explained what we wanted them to do. Before I had finished my sentence, they were off, the guy had control of the hoover and was in the living room and the girl, Oksana, went upstairs to assess the state of the bathroom! I just wonder what they think of all these people's places - do they think we are all so superior that we can't bear to touch our own dirt?! And do they think we are scummy?

Well, while they were being extremely thorough...(I saw the boy daring to go places I never normally go with the hoover!) I got ready to go for high tea with Michele and Simone! Very exciting, it had been postponed and cancelled a few times so it was finally happening. When we got there (which was maybe a feat in itself! 3 self-confessed 'direction-following challenged' women!) yes, of course we had a sat nav/Tom Tom, whatever you want to call it (it wasn’t a man!) but that's not always right. Anyway, we arrived only 30 mins late. It was huge impressive hotel with beautiful gardens and a smattering of posh old people in various shades of pastel. It started off with prosecco, so I had orange juice , then it was just what you would expect from a high tea: little sandwiches, lots of mini cakes, and tea. We didn't manage to finish, despite making a really good effort.

Got home from Arnhem, happily full and tired....had been hanging sideways dozing in the back seat on the way back so when I got in, I decided to continue my activity in the garden chair.

We returned to my superior accommodation at around 20.30, Ed stayed for a coffee and then he left me. It's only a few nights and we both know that, but it's still hard to say goodbye. We don't make a scene like in films where the couple are sobbing and holding each other's faces in their hands staring intensely at the other. No, we don't do that, we kiss and then have a big hug and then I latch onto his leg and he walks, trying to kick me off, gently, to the lifts. Then I get up and walk back to my room.

Sunday 18th June

Gosh the pain is so random, it wasn't too bad last night, only woke up 4 times and had one injection of morphine and then I woke up around 6 a.m. which is fine cos then I could have my regular collection of morning drugs.

On Friday morning a guy had dropped round to invite patients to the church service on Sunday morning, and I was interested so I had decided to give it a go. I had no idea what to expect at all. The guy who had been round was in his fifties and looked quite relaxed, a bit of a hippy, and I thought he was the vicar/preacher, so based on that, hoped it would be informal and friendly.

The service was at 10.30 and I got there in time; there was a choir singing quite enthusiastically and playing instruments with an equal level of gusto!! It was nice because it was positive and people looked happy, but I wasn't in the queue to purchase one of their CDs!

After a few minutes a man in black vicar's robes appeared at the front of the room, the choir was still singing and some of the congregation were still being wheeled in!... yep, my first service with people in beds, and why not? I wish I had been, it would have been comfier to fall asleep!!! We got started and it soon became clear that he was of the 'fire and brimstone' school of thought!! Oh dear. It was reminiscent of the sermons that used to be given at our Methodist Church. Well, after a few hymns and some readings, was the sermon, it was quite long and, like I said, it was quite serious and heavy. I kept surveying the room to see how many others looked like they were going to make a break for it, but I couldn’t identify anyone. What made it more difficult to make any kind of exit was the fact that he was moving around, gaining eye-contact with members of the congregation and in a sincere, somewhat frightening way.

Despite all of this, he did end his sermon on a positive note talking about the successful results of treatment which was encouraging, just not enough to get me to stay! The choir were getting very enthusiastic and some of them were dancing....., well a form of dancing, so I took my chance and left! I sped along the corridor from the room before anyone could see me (when I say 'sped' I obviously mean as fast as I could, i.e. a bit slower than an old lady with a rollator, but faster than my dad!!)

I had to go up to my room to get my stuff, but made it back down to the front where Ed was waiting in the getaway car! We got stuff on the way home for a picnic and then Esther and Di came over to help us it eat it!!! It was lovely, sitting in the shady part of the garden, the three of us friends drinking wine and nibbling tasty food (with Ed dipping in and out!) No, I wasn't really drinking wine but it was nice to imagine!

I spent the rest of Sunday lazing around, enjoying my relaxing garden chair, and looking at the weeds and stuff that needs doing......but not doing it!!!

Got back to the ward to find the weird man loitering by the nurses station; he is often there and doesn't want to stay in his room ( just to make it clear, he is a patient!) He keeps getting told off for going behind the staff desk and wants to go off campus to buy fags but the nurses don't trust him to come back! He is only allowed out if he is accompanied by his family. He just keeps walking up and down the corridor; initially I thought he was going to come into my room because every time he walks past makes a thorough assessment of the situation, but then he moves on, so I don't attempt to close the door. I think he just wants to know what is going on in each room because he really isn’t convinced that he is supposed to be there. Ah, bless him. I do feel sorry for him, on the one hand, but on the other hand, it is quite entertaining to watch the nurses pursuing him or calling after him.

Right time for another intermission because I haven’t had time to update my notes from Monday to today. I will reveal a big plot spoiler though… I get out of hospital this week!!!!